When Mother's Day [Father's Day] is Hard

This was written for Mother's Day, but is very applicable for those who struggle with Father's Day as well.

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Mother’s Day is an interesting day. There are those who could stand and speak of their amazing angel mothers and the wonderful support that they’ve had from them throughout their lives. 

I am not one of those.

There are others who can speak of motherhood and the blessing it has been in their life and the tremendous love that they have felt for their children. Because of my upbringing I have struggled a lot with motherhood. It has opened my eyes to how inadequate, weak, and human I really am.

Today I felt that I should speak to those who need the hope and healing that can only come through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, especially today for some.

When we are young we have hopes, ideas, and dreams for the future. Many of those include having a family. But not everyone is blessed with a spouse or children in this life. There are many who’s hearts weep with sorrow at shattered or unfulfilled dreams.

There are others who may lose a spouse to death or through divorce, or lose their children to poor choices or unforeseen tragedies.

Life is not easy and it can hurt a lot.

I grew up with a mother who was very angry and I was terrified of her. I never wanted to be that kind of a mother. But when my children were young I saw that anger show up in myself, and it scared me.

Many times in life it is our trials that draw us closer to the Lord — if we will allow them to. Other times we may allow our trials to push us away from the Lord as we try to find answers on our own. Throughout my life I have seen examples of both. 

I have had times where the heavens have felt silent, where I’ve cried because I had no idea what to do, and where I have asked others for help, and for some reason or another couldn’t be there for me. Even in those times where I could have felt completely abandoned I have never doubted that the Lord was there. I have seen too many examples of His hand in my life.

One of my favorite scriptures is Mosiah 4:9, “Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth”

God our Father is real. He knows of our suffering and He hears our prayers.

I remember one day in particular, when my children were small. I had had a rough night. I think all 3 kids rotated getting up during the night; I would get one down and the other would be up — I guess I should have been grateful that they weren’t all up at the same time — but I didn’t get much sleep. In the morning I was getting breakfast ready and was really grouchy. I felt angry at everything and didn’t want my children to have to suffer from my lack of sleep. I remember standing by the kitchen sink and words from the previous general conference came to my mind. Sister Linda K. Burton had said, “all that is unfair about life can be made right through the atonement of Jesus Christ" (Linda K. Burton, "Is Faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ Written in Our Hearts?", General Conference, October 2012).

Right then I felt that life was very unfair and that a horrendous weight was on my shoulders. I really wasn’t sure what to do, but I chose to test her words. I told the kids that I needed a minute and dropped to my knees right there on the kitchen floor. I prayed to my Father in Heaven for help. I told Him that I didn’t know how accessing the power of the atonement of Christ worked, but I asked that if it were possible, that through the atonement of Jesus Christ the negative feelings that I felt could be taken away so that my children wouldn’t have to suffer.

And, do you know what?

They vanished. 

Completely. 

I stood up, ready to take on the day.

That experience was a testimony to me of the healing and enabling power that can come through the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is something that I have used many times, and that power has never failed to bring the comfort that I need when I have asked for it.

One of my favorite scripture stories is found in the New Testament. The disciples are on the Sea of Galilee and the Savior is asleep in the boat. A big storm comes. Okay, so these are fishermen who live on the water so they wouldn’t be afraid of just any storm. This was much bigger than they felt they could handle.

In life we will encounter storms. Really big storms. We may feel that Jesus has forgotten about us and is sleeping in the back of the boat. We may feel afraid and unsure of how to move forward.

The disciples chose to wake Jesus,

“And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm” (Mark 4:39).

I remember lying in bed one night listening to a thunderstorm. It was loud. The lightning was flashing and the thunder was booming and I could hear the rain pouring down. I then imagined the Savior on the waters with His disciples and realized that He is someone who had the power to say “peace” and have that storm cease.

That is the power that Jesus Christ has. 

That is the power that is available to us through His atoning sacrifice. That power can heal our hearts. That power can calm our souls. And that power is real.

President Uchtdorf, testified, “There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you. You may feel burdened by worry, fear, or doubt. To you and to all of us, I repeat a wonderful and certain truth: God’s light is real. It is available to all! It gives life to all things. It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound. It can be a healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls. In the furrows of despair, it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope. It can enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Hope of God’s Light", General Conference, April 2013).

That is the healing power that is available to each of us through the atonement of Jesus Christ. 

In the New Testament we find the story of Jairus. His daughter is sick and dying and he comes to Jesus asking Him to heal her. On the way to Jairus’ house a woman with an issue of blood reaches out, touches the hem of Jesus’ robe, and is healed. In the midst of this miraculous healing Jairus is informed that his daughter has passed away.

Can you imagine the agony of Jairus, watching someone else enjoy what he had been hoping for, and seeing others celebrating while his hopes are dashed to pieces?

I have a nephew who was struggling with a lot of things and ended up committing suicide in 2021. I know where he is now, and I am comforted by that thought, but sometimes I just miss him. 

When dreams are unfulfilled and hearts are broken we can turn to the Savior. It doesn’t make the bad things go away, but we can find peace in Him.

The Savior, true to form, had not forgotten Jairus. He turned to him and said, “Be not afraid, only believe” (Mark 5:36). Sometimes the miracles we pray for won’t come right away. Sometimes they won’t come in this life. But, if we can trust in the Savior we can find the peace we seek.

The trend of the world today is that anything hard, unfair, or even uncomfortable can be seen as an unnatural tragedy. We know, however, that life is a test, and if we did not have the trials how could we grow?

Elder Richard G. Scott enlightened us with this knowledge: “so that the period of mortal testing and growth would yield its greatest benefit, you were taught and prepared for the circumstances you would personally encounter in mortality” (Richard G. Scott, "Truth Restored", General Conference, October 2005).

There is a girl who now lives in Utah named Meg Johnson. When she was younger she was a dancer. In her late teens or early 20s she came out to Utah to visit Saint George with some friends. She was fascinated by all the red rock and leaped from one rock to another until, as she tells the story, “I accidentally jumped off a cliff.” She fell and landed on the ground below — paralyzed from the neck down.

She is one who is blessed with the gift of dreams. In her book, “When Life Gets Hard, Just Keep Rollin’” she relates one dream in particular that has really impressed me. In her dream she knew that she was in the pre-earth life with a man who was wearing all white. He had a white binder and sat down beside her. He explained that during her life she would be paralyzed. She exclaimed, “I am so excited!” She then explained that she didn’t have any idea what being paralyzed would mean, “but” she said, “if that is what it would take for me to become like my Father in Heaven, I would do anything.”

I have not personally dealt with such a tragedy as she has, but others have. However, I have my own personally curated trials and challenges that will help me in my efforts to become more like my Savior and my Heavenly Parents.

But what about those times when we have worked so hard and tried again and again and have been so diligent and kept being obedient despite the obstacles? What happens when we become so worn out and tired and don’t have the strength to keep going on? Sometimes after expending all of our efforts with nothing seeming to work out, we are ready to be done trying.

I’ve been there multiple times.

In the New Testament we read about Jesus teaching a multitude when a man came to him with his son who had been afflicted since he was young. The father explained of the challenges that the family had dealt with:

“[O]fttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him: but,” he said, “if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us” (Mark 9:22).

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland shared, “With no other hope remaining, this father asserts what faith he has and pleads with the Savior of the world, ‘If thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us.' I can hardly read those words without weeping. The plural pronoun us is obviously used intentionally. This man is saying, in effect, ‘Our whole family is pleading. Our struggle never ceases. We are exhausted. Our son falls into the water. He falls into the fire. He is continually in danger, and we are continually afraid. We don’t know where else to turn. Can you help us? We will be grateful for anything—a partial blessing, a glimmer of hope, some small lifting of the burden carried by this boy’s mother every day of her life.’” (Jeffrey R. Holland, "Lord, I Believe", General Conference, April 2013).

Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” (Mark 9:24).

Sometimes when the challenges have gone on for so long and we have lost hope, we have a hard time believing that there might be a light in some distant future where things will work out. In those times we may need to ask for the help to believe.

Joseph Smith taught that, our Father in Heaven is more “boundless in his mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive” (Joseph Smith, History, 1838–1856, volume D-1 [1 August 1842–1 July 1843]). 

Test out these words and promises and come to know for yourself.

In closing, I want to wish all of you a happy Mother’s Day. For those who have been fortunate enough to have wonderful amazing mothers, be grateful. For those who have the chance in this life to be mothers, be grateful. For those who don’t have either, remember that you have a Father and a Mother in Heaven who both love you dearly and long to have you back home with them again. 

I testify that it is through the prophet Joseph Smith that the plan of our Heavenly Father has been restored to the earth. This plan provided a way through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ to give us the comfort and help that we will need as we struggle throughout our lives. As we turn to our Savior we can find the strength and capacity to continue on through the difficulties we will face.

I know God lives. I know He loves all of us. He really is there.

Being Grateful for Trials

Bishop Dean M. Davies, of the Presiding Bishopric, was at a devotional with LDS cadets at the U.S. Air Force Academy. Instead of a formal talk, time was given for the cadets to ask questions. One of the questions was, “does the Lord give us challenges that are intended to impede our progress?” (Dean M. Davies, "Heavenly Help for Our Mortal Journey", Ensign, July 2014). I think that sometimes as we face challenges we may wonder where the Lord is, because they may feel too hard to bear.

When I was about 12 years old we were living in Venezuela. One evening I remember being really excited for our Young Women’s activity: a daddy-daughter date. When my dad came home from work I remember being dressed and ready, standing in the kitchen. It was then that he told me the activity had been canceled. My friend’s dad had been killed.

What I remember is that her dad was a businessman, and had been taking a suitcase of money to the bank after work. When he got there, two men opened the car door and demanded the money. When he refused, they shot him in the leg, took the suitcase and ran. He died that day, leaving behind his wife and 7 young children.

Elder Harold G. Hillam, of the Presidency of the Seventy, related it this way,

“[I had] an interview …with a handsome zone leader in the Brazil São Paulo Interlagos Mission. I said to the missionary, ‘Tell me about your family.’ He then relayed the following. He was born into a wealthy family. His father had a responsible position in a multinational corporation. They moved from Brazil to Venezuela. He was one of seven children, all members of the Church.

“When the missionary was fifteen years old, his father was shot and killed by a fleeing thief. In a family council it was decided to return to Brazil and invest their savings in the purchase of a small home. A year and a half later, the mother informed the children that she had been diagnosed with cancer. The family used valuable savings to help pay the medical expenses—but to no avail. Six months later the mother passed away, leaving the young family alone.” (Harold G. Hillam, "Sacrifice in the Service", Ensign, November 1995)

This happened over 25 years ago, and it is still something that is hard for me to fully understand. I sometimes wonder why they had to face this trial, and how their life might have been different without this sorrow. President Uchtdorf said,

“Sooner or later, I believe that all of us experience times when the very fabric of our world tears at the seams, leaving us feeling alone, frustrated, and adrift.

“It can happen to anyone. No one is immune.” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Grateful in Any Circumstances, Ensign, May 2014)

Have any of you ever felt that way? That your life is completely falling apart around you? How does one find the strength to move on, trust the Lord, and endure?

I want to talk about the story of Job, from the Old Testament. Job had to deal with a lot of trials. In the book of Job we find out what kind of person he was.

“There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil.

“And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters.

“His substance [was such] that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east.” (Job 1:1-3)

To be perfect means, as noted in the footnote in Job 2:3 means to be “blameless”. To be upright is defined as “strict adherence to moral principles”. He feared God, or in other words reverenced or respected Him. To eschew means to “habitually avoid”.

In later verses it also shows Job being a man of integrity (Job 2:3); he strengthened the weak (Job 4:3-4), he was compassionate (Job 29:12-13); he followed the way of the Lord and valued the words of the Lord more than his “necessary food” (Job 23:11-12).

In short, Job was an incredibly wealthy man, who was also incredibly good. I am guessing that he was also very humble.

One day Satan approaches the Lord, and Job is talked about in their discussion. The adversary thinks that Job is only righteous because he has been blessed so abundantly.

“And the Lord said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the Lord.” (Job 1:12)

When hearing this verse, something occurred to me. Satan had to ask the Lord's permission to essentially destroy everything that Job had. This reminded me that the Lord is in charge. Satan’s power is limited. If given the chance, I am sure that Satan would completely destroy anything and everything that each of us hold dear. But he cannot. He had to approach the Lord. Satan saw only what Job had, but the Lord knew Job’s heart. I think that is why the Lord allowed Satan to try Job in this way.

Sometimes in our own lives we may feel challenged with more than we think we can bear. But, the Lord knows our heart. He knows what we can handle, and he knows our limits. Our purpose here on earth is to be tested and tried in such a way that we can, not only return to live with Him, but to become like Him.

With Satan unleashed, Job lost all of his children, his servants, his property, and income in one day. His response?

“Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped,

“And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

“In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.” (Job 1:20-22)

Job worshipped the Lord. Job probably did not understand why all of this was happening to him, but he trusted in the Lord. President Uchtdorf gives us a little insight into something else that may have been a key to Job’s response.

“Everyone’s situation is different, and the details of each life are unique. Nevertheless, I have learned that there is something that would take away the bitterness that may come into our lives. There is one thing we can do to make life sweeter, more joyful, even glorious.

“We can be grateful!

“It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God. But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding.” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Grateful in Any Circumstances, Ensign, May 2014)

After seeing that this did not crush Job, Satan again approached the Lord and asked for another try. This time the Lord allowed Satan the power to afflict Job physically, but he could not take his life (Job 2:1-6). Again, this is something the Lord allowed Satan to do because he could see into the depth of Job’s heart.

Job is then tried with boils covering his body, nightmares, loss of support from family and friends, not understanding why he has to go through these trials, mocking, feeling that the Lord had forgotten him or was not listening to his prayers. But never once did Job lose faith, nor doubt the Lord. Job found strength in the Lord, despite his challenges.

Continuing from President Uchtdorf, we read,

“Being grateful in times of distress does not mean that we are pleased with our circumstances. It does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present-day challenges.

“This is not a gratitude of the lips but of the soul. It is a gratitude that heals the heart and expands the mind.” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Grateful in Any Circumstances, Ensign, May 2014)

I think that, along with his deep and abiding faith in the Lord, Job had developed this kind of gratitude.

In Romans we read,

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

In Second Nephi we read,

“thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain….For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things….But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.” (2 Nephi 2:2, 11, 24)

From these scriptures we can find comfort in knowing that we will face opposition, but the Lord is in charge and all things will work out for our good…eventually.

President Henry B. Eyring said,

“If we choose the right, we will find happiness—in time. If we choose evil, there comes sorrow and regret—in time. Those effects are sure. Yet they are often delayed for a purpose. If the blessings were immediate, choosing the right would not build faith. And since sorrow is also sometimes greatly delayed, it takes faith to feel the need to seek forgiveness for sin early rather than after we feel its sorrowful and painful effects.” (Henry B. Eyring, "A Priceless Heritage of Hope", Ensign, May 2014)

Many times we need to struggle through our challenges in order to become stronger. The Lord may see greater challenges ahead that we need to be strengthened for. In His infinite love He is preparing us for greater challenges, but also for even greater blessings.

Sometimes our challenges may last a lifetime, but once this life is over how grateful we will be when we can see things more clearly and understand the whys.

President Uchtdorf counsels,

“It is easy to be grateful for things when life seems to be going our way. But what then of those times when what we wish for seems to be far out of reach?

“Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be….the choice is ours. We can choose to limit our gratitude, based on the blessings we feel we lack. Or we can choose to be like Nephi…like Job…like the Mormon pioneers…or [w]e can choose to be like the Prophet Joseph Smith, who, while a prisoner in miserable conditions in Liberty Jail, penned these inspired words: ‘Dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.’

"We can choose to be grateful, no matter what.” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Grateful in Any Circumstances, Ensign, May 2014)

I want to continue from Elder Hillam’s talk about my friend and her family.

“Our young missionary, Elder Bugs (pronounced Boogs), now sixteen years old, went to work, first selling clothing, then later computer supplies. He used his hard-earned money to support the young family. He said, ‘We were always blessed to have enough to eat. I would work during the day, then help the children with their studies at night. I especially miss my little sister. I taught her to read.’

"Elder Bugs continued, ‘Then the bishop invited me to come in for an interview. He called me on a mission. I told him I would need to speak with my family first. In our family council, they reminded me that Dad had always taught us that we should be prepared to serve the Lord as full-time missionaries. I accepted the call. When I received my letter from the prophet, I withdrew all my savings. I bought a new suit, a pair of pants, white shirts and ties, and a new pair of shoes. I gave the rest of the money to the bishop (enough for about four months of support for the family). I hugged my little family and left for my mission.’

"I looked at that brave young man and I said, ‘But Elder, with you away, who is taking care of your family?’

“’Oh,’ he said, ‘my brother is sixteen. He is the same age I was when our mother died. He is taking care of the family now.’

"I had an opportunity recently to talk by telephone with Elder Bugs. He has been home from his mission for six months now. When I asked him how he was doing, he said, “I have a good job again and I am caring for the family, but oh, how I miss my mission. It was the greatest thing I have ever done. I am now helping my younger brother prepare for his mission.”

Elder Hillam then asks us,

“Why have these great missionaries and others like them been willing to sacrifice the comforts of home, family, loved ones, and sweethearts to answer the call to serve? It’s because they have a testimony of Jesus Christ.” (Harold G. Hillam, "Sacrifice in the Service", Ensign, November 1995)

And, I want to ask, "How can those who suffer be able to endure their trials patiently?" They do it by holding fast to their faith in Jesus Christ.

"What about those who are treated unjustly, or for whom life is unfair?" They remember, as Linda K. Burton stated,

“All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.” (Linda K. Burton, "Is Faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ Written in Our Hearts?", Ensign, November 2012)

Elder Orson F. Whitney offers us comfort with these words,

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God…and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven” (Orson F. Whitney, quoted by Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, 98).

So, in response to the question asked by the cadet, I want to quote again from Elder Davies,

“Does the Lord give us challenges in life that are intended to impede us? No. When we face tests and trials, rather than feeling sorry for ourselves, let us ask these questions:

"‘What can I learn from this experience?’ and ‘How will this experience strengthen me and help me prepare for the future?’” (Dean M. Davies, "Heavenly Help for Our Mortal Journey", Ensign, July 2014)

In our quest to continue forth in faith, I am reminded of the words to a hymn:

“Let us all press on in the work of the Lord,…

We will not retreat, though our numbers may be few
When compared with the opposite host in view;
But an unseen pow'r will aid me and you…

If we do what's right we have no need to fear,
For the Lord, our helper, will ever be near;…

Fear not, though the enemy deride;
Courage, for the Lord is on our side.” 
(Let Us All Press On, Hymn #243)

We can remember to be grateful despite our circumstances. We can be as Job, who never lost faith in the Lord. We can continually press forward, and fear not, knowing that the unseen power of the Lord will be there, and that the Lord, truly, is on our side.